Airline Humor

Rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight  ‘safety lecture’ and their other announcements a bit more  entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or  reported: 


   On an Air NZ Flight  with a very ‘senior’ flight attendant crew, the Pilot said, ‘Ladies  and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning  down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the  appearance of your flight attendants.’  


   On landing  the hostess said, ‘Please be sure to take all your belongings. If  you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d  like to have.’ 


   ‘There may be 50 w ays  to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the  aircraft.’ 


   As the  plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland , a  lone Voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella.  WHOA!’ 


   After a particularly  rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant  on a Qantas flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the  overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as  f*** everything has shifted.’ 


  
 From a  Qantas employee: ‘Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y to operate  your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull  tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t  know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public  un-supervised.’ 


   ‘In the event of a  sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you  have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before  assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one  small child, pick your favourite.  


  
 ‘Weather  at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll  try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,  nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas  Airlines.’ 


   ‘Your seat cushions can  be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water  landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our  compliments.’ 
   Heard on  Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart .   The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite  bump and I know what you are all thinking. I’m here20to tell you it  wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s  fault, it wasn’t the  flight attendant’s fault… it was the  asphalt!’ 

 


   Another flight  attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to  please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the  terminal.’ 

 


   An  airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered  his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which  required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers  exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying United. ‘He said  that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the  passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart  comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking  with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why  no Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’  
  The  little old lady said, ‘Did we land or were we shot  down?’ 

 


   After a real crusher of  a landing in Sydney , the Flight Attendant came  on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until  Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching  halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the  warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick  your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’  

 


   Part of  a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you  folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the  insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal  tube, we hope you’ll think of Qantas.’  

 


   A plane was taking off  from Mascot Airport . After it reached a  comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over  the intercom, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland . The weather ahead is  good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax – ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!’ Silence followed and  after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,  ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but,  whi le I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee  and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front  of my pants!’ 
 A passenger in Economy  said, ‘That’s nothing. He should see the back of  mine!’ 

Advertisements

One thought on “Airline Humor

  1. AlexM says:

    Your blog is interesting!

    Keep up the good work!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s