Dear Sir

If I do something to upset you as a friend, you would tell me right?

If I said or did something you would let me know, and not just….ignore me….cut me out….right?

Because unlike some people I know, I’m sure that you would at least yell at me, or point out what i had done wrong.

Right?

It’s not something that people usually keep to themselves, mainly because they want to let the other person know just what they’re thinking.

and I thought you were a decent person.

That you were nice and kind and helpful and generous.

So what was it all for?

What was the point?

If you were going to build a friendship, make me believe we would have a good time together…

…and then ignore me? Delete my comments when I try to reach out. Ignore my attempts to get hold of you?

What is the point?

And quite frankly if you don’t want to be my friend, I won’t push it. It’s not like I didn’t get on without you before.

All I want to know….is WHY? Why the sudden change with no explanation.

I think I deserve that much at least.

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I want to go back to high school

But minus all the awkwardness

There was a boy I liked, Daniel when I was 13/14. And he liked me back, and I knew this because he was one of the good ones and he told me. He was so open and honest sometimes, but then others he would be soo shy.

We knew that we liked each other, and the class knew that we liked each other.

Some of the notes we used to pass each other (so he not only said it, but I had it written as proof).

“I’m in language and its really boring. I’ve done 8 wordfinds. I can’t stop thinking about u!”

I got jealous at one stage because even though I knew he liked me, I still had doubts when girls in the class started saying ..”ooh he must like so and so” and that so and so wasn’t me.  So I asked him straight out. And instead of answer that absurd question he wrote back “r u tired bcos u’ve been running throu my mind all day”

haha I know, corny as, but hey, when you’re 14… ya know! He then asked why

“coz when u gave ***** ur jumper yesterday **** kept saying th@ it was so sweet and th@ u must really like her”
“No I just felt sorry 4 her. U no hu I like mab”
“mab?”
“mab! D’ya still like KG?”
“may I ask wot th@s got to do wiff it?”
“well no”
“oh ok then does it matta”
“maybe”
“oh i c umm…well”
“I would really like an answer”
“y?!!!!! I would pefer not to think about it”
“Fine den. NE way I don’t LIKE *****”
“ok ok calm down I’m sowwy its just that I’m not sure”

According to my diary that was a Friday. The next school day entry was the Monday that went…

“I spent all weekend worrying for nothing it seems. Today in science Daniel asked me again it I still liked Kieran. I hate when people ask me that sort of stuff. Anyway I said ‘I don’t know ok and I don’t wanna think about it.’ I asked why and he said ‘I think you know why.’ I wrote ‘jealous?’ and do you know what he wrote back? ‘course’ “

The Tuesday….

“….I wrote Daniel a note today and asked if that other chic he liked was at Papakura would he like her? and he said Nope the person I currently like is 10x better…”

Wednesday….

“Today in science* I was borrowing rulers for the test when ###### told me that Daniel knows that I like him but doesn’t believe it. So I got her to ask him why and he said something about me still liking Kieran. So I told him I didn’t even though I still do.  ***** reakons Daniel and I should go out but I know he won’t ask me and I won’t ask him. Totally pathetic but tru.”

Friday….

“Yesterday in Science when I was passing notes to Daniel I asked him how was and I he said “good I fink”. SO I asked him why and he said to ask ^^^^^^ but I said “why don’t you just tell me now? we have options 4th and 5th”
“ok den. Do u fink I don’t like u?”
“I neva sed th@”
“i no but do u think th@?”
“no y would I? don’t u?”
“I neva said dat!”
it was like a total opposite of Wednesday….”

Sunday…

“I was talking to &&&& and ###### yesterday on MSN and they both think that I should go out with Daniel. &&&& said that Daniel doens’t believe I like him because &&&& wanted to go out with me, but I know that it’s because of Kieran. I wish Daniel would just give up on that. I already told him I don’t like him anymore but he just doens’t listen. Anyway &&&& and ###### are both going to try and set me and Daniel up.”

Monday…

“He got so close to asking me out!! I just know it!!!!”

The rest to be continued… like a teenage tv drama

*I am starting to see now why my Science teacher said that I tended to use Science as a social occasion

I exisit, therefore I am….or something to that effect

I may have said before that I think I am getting a lil obsessed with sex. But this is really not a good run for me.

Over the weekend realiable lay was not so relaible. The people he lives with were home and awake when we didn’t want them to be. They had just got back from Australia the night before and so were on Aussie time 3 hours behind us here on New Zealand time.

So that didn’t work out. And then on a day he doesn’t usually have his son he was picking him up from after school care so couldn’t come and join our druggie/drinky party.

There was someone else I had been talking to who was going to come over this morning for a bit of fun before work…but it turns out he has a gf and he got the guilts. Now I’ll be honest. I wasn’t going there for a relationship so if they had an agreement that she was happy with I wouldn’t have minded coz that’s not what I was after with this particular guy. so anyway, that did not happen.

I haven’t spoken to Juicy Lips for a while. I wonder what he’s up to….

If I’m being totally honest, I would go for a sexless relationship with Crush (sexless for a small amount of time) over sex with Mr Reliable any day of the week.

I am so over boys right now

Crush has started ignoring me.

In fact he went so far as to delete my comments off his facebook page.

It makes me so sad because we were really good friends. We talked all the time and made each other laugh. And it’s more the loss of a friend than anything else that’s bugging me.

No actually, I know what’s bugging me. No explanation. No nothing. No… look I’m sorry but I think I should only talk to  you in relation to work. No… look I think it’s best if we don’t talk.

I just hate the cutoffness. It sucks.

Territorial much…?

Comment from Crush’s ex (have not actually confirmed they are together yet) on his facebook page

“[crush]..is the best most sweetest guy is the whole world, and no other girl can have him!!! 🙂 xxx”

followed by

“I think someone is giving someone else hope!!!”

Which pretty much cemented it for me anyways as she hasn’t appeared on his page for a couple of months.  I did not go to her page to see what he said…

… because her profile is private :\

Ouch

Crush is back with his ex.

I was pretty down about it last night, so I wasn’t a lot of fun when we went to town.

Now, I’m happy for him because  I want him to be happy, I don’t want him to be all cut up inside.

Still doesn’t stop me wishing it was me.

damn :(

When I got home last night after seeing Crush he sent me this text. “Hey! Sorry if i looked a little dazed! Just still stunned!! Thank you for making my night! 🙂 ”

So, good, right?

Then at 5.30 this morning (I’ve been getting up at 5 to get ready for early work starts) he sent me this text. “Can u plz txt me before you start work? Need to talk!”

I sent back “Im awake couldnt guarentee coherant”

He rang me. Said that he was sorry that he kissed me last night. That I caught him in a weak moment. That he was still in love with his ex. 😦

Damn.

He was sorry and it wasn’t right for us to become anything right not as it wouldn’t be fair on me and I’m a great friend and awesome person and I don’t deserve that.

So I told him look, it’s ok. Really, it’s ok. He had been up all night and not slept well so I told him to go back to bed and get some sleep.

I am so, so, so gutted right now.

I really like him, and I was SOO happy last night. I had been worried that it was one-wayed, and thought for a bit maybe it was, but he never said that he didn’t like me in that way….but that he was still in love with his ex.

I have been in a funk, in a bad mood all day. Irritable and easily pissed off. I just want to talk to him. But I don’t want to push or rush him .

Both my flatmate and our good friend have recently (as in this weekend) both acquired boyfriends. They are all going to the movies tonight and invited me along but I’d feel like such a third wheel but times 2.

And after last night, I figured it was best not to invite Crush.

Damn. damn. damn.

I’m home alone.

Ok, not alone, my flatmates family are staying but I hardly know them and they aren’t the best company to be honest.

I’m allllll alone. There’s no one here besiiiiiiiiiiide meeeeeeeeeeeee.