I want to go back to high school

But minus all the awkwardness

There was a boy I liked, Daniel when I was 13/14. And he liked me back, and I knew this because he was one of the good ones and he told me. He was so open and honest sometimes, but then others he would be soo shy.

We knew that we liked each other, and the class knew that we liked each other.

Some of the notes we used to pass each other (so he not only said it, but I had it written as proof).

“I’m in language and its really boring. I’ve done 8 wordfinds. I can’t stop thinking about u!”

I got jealous at one stage because even though I knew he liked me, I still had doubts when girls in the class started saying ..”ooh he must like so and so” and that so and so wasn’t me.  So I asked him straight out. And instead of answer that absurd question he wrote back “r u tired bcos u’ve been running throu my mind all day”

haha I know, corny as, but hey, when you’re 14… ya know! He then asked why

“coz when u gave ***** ur jumper yesterday **** kept saying th@ it was so sweet and th@ u must really like her”
“No I just felt sorry 4 her. U no hu I like mab”
“mab?”
“mab! D’ya still like KG?”
“may I ask wot th@s got to do wiff it?”
“well no”
“oh ok then does it matta”
“maybe”
“oh i c umm…well”
“I would really like an answer”
“y?!!!!! I would pefer not to think about it”
“Fine den. NE way I don’t LIKE *****”
“ok ok calm down I’m sowwy its just that I’m not sure”

According to my diary that was a Friday. The next school day entry was the Monday that went…

“I spent all weekend worrying for nothing it seems. Today in science Daniel asked me again it I still liked Kieran. I hate when people ask me that sort of stuff. Anyway I said ‘I don’t know ok and I don’t wanna think about it.’ I asked why and he said ‘I think you know why.’ I wrote ‘jealous?’ and do you know what he wrote back? ‘course’ “

The Tuesday….

“….I wrote Daniel a note today and asked if that other chic he liked was at Papakura would he like her? and he said Nope the person I currently like is 10x better…”

Wednesday….

“Today in science* I was borrowing rulers for the test when ###### told me that Daniel knows that I like him but doesn’t believe it. So I got her to ask him why and he said something about me still liking Kieran. So I told him I didn’t even though I still do.  ***** reakons Daniel and I should go out but I know he won’t ask me and I won’t ask him. Totally pathetic but tru.”

Friday….

“Yesterday in Science when I was passing notes to Daniel I asked him how was and I he said “good I fink”. SO I asked him why and he said to ask ^^^^^^ but I said “why don’t you just tell me now? we have options 4th and 5th”
“ok den. Do u fink I don’t like u?”
“I neva sed th@”
“i no but do u think th@?”
“no y would I? don’t u?”
“I neva said dat!”
it was like a total opposite of Wednesday….”

Sunday…

“I was talking to &&&& and ###### yesterday on MSN and they both think that I should go out with Daniel. &&&& said that Daniel doens’t believe I like him because &&&& wanted to go out with me, but I know that it’s because of Kieran. I wish Daniel would just give up on that. I already told him I don’t like him anymore but he just doens’t listen. Anyway &&&& and ###### are both going to try and set me and Daniel up.”

Monday…

“He got so close to asking me out!! I just know it!!!!”

The rest to be continued… like a teenage tv drama

*I am starting to see now why my Science teacher said that I tended to use Science as a social occasion

so, a blog a day?

Maybe 2, or 3?

Doesn’t matter, but I’m bored at work and this gives me something to do. It’s also a place for me to spill out my muddeling emotions and thoughts and brain activity.

Tomorrow I am going to see the Renal Specialist. I am a little worried about it. I’ve never had really great kidneys. They have their own agenda and when I was younger liked to cause a bit of havoc, that was never diagnosed (we still don’t know what the problem is, I was meant to grown out of it by 7). Eventually I learnt to just deal with it, but it’s not that kind of thing you can forget. I didn’t have any friends when I started primary school because I would wet my pants.

Yea.

I was that kid.

Let that kid join in your games, let that kid play, let that kid feel involved. Because I tell you it’s an awful feeling when you are that kid hiding your lollies so no one else will ask for one only to realise it doesn’t matter, they don’t know you even have them. And when you look around you realise that you are the only one on the court at playtime because everyone else is playing on the playground and your invitation got lost in the mail, it sucks.

What I have self-diagnosed myself with (after years and years of medical training *cough*) is something that I don’t know that name for. Basically I have very weak bladder/pelvic muscles. There is also something missing so that when I need to go to the loo, my brain doesn’t receive the signal. I get oh I have to go to the loo now, not oh I better go soon.

During my early teenage years I was terrified about what would happen at high school, but also excited because no one there would know about my past and I wasn’t going to tell anyone. And I didn’t. Not until I told BF.

Over the past year my blood pressure has sky rocketed. The last count was 144/110 which puts me in the high BP should be on medication range. The Dr was worried that my kidneys weren’t functioning properly, so off I head to the specialist at a crazy $330 for the consultation. yikes.

As long as I come out of there with an answer I will be fine.

If I come out of the Drs once again with ‘we don’t know’ I may have to sue someone.

Today

I’m nervous. Waaaaay way nervous. I feel sick (but I think that’s in part due to the 4 Tim Tams I just ate). I’m going in to see the surgeon this afternoon.
It’s a little on the scary side but I want this so much.

I got home yesterday after spending the night at my parents to find that my BF had tided. I was amazed because he rarely does anything like that without me asking him to. He doesn’t do it because he thinks I should do it all, it’s just his parents never made him help out with chores around the house, or made him help with cooking the dinner.
He really doesn’t cook well. He lacks the ability to look in the fridge, see what we have, and cook up something from that. It has to come from a packet with instructions.

Still, it’s nice when he cooks and i don’t have to.

I was going to talk about the Rugby World Cup, but I think I am going to keep this blog more anonymous so I can talk more freely. Therefore, will not revel my country of origin by stating my loyalties within the Cup.

When I was in high school I used to keep journals. It started in 3rd form to late 5th form, and went through one or two a year. It usually consisted of boring teenage things (omg, he’s sooooo cute! Arrgh total break out 😦 ) yea, that sort of stuff.
Though I did battle with acne, and wasn’t until after the 7th form ball when I had the worst break out I have ever had that mum finally said we could go to the Dr’s. I refused to go to school the Monday after, my self-esteem (despite having a fantastic time) was so low I couldn’t look at anyone. It’s degrading to have these things on your face you can’t control, but it’s completely not your fault. I went on medicine that was supposed to kick it out of my system, and it worked brilliantly. It was only later this year (two years later) that I started having another break out and when I went to the Dr’s she said it was the type of contraceptive pill I was on. While some help acne others just make it worst, and I was on the one that didn’t help AT ALL. The Dr switched me and I am now the owner of a (mostly) clear face.
Bliss.
I do now have to find a way to get rid of my acne scares in a painless and cheap way.