I want to go back to high school

But minus all the awkwardness

There was a boy I liked, Daniel when I was 13/14. And he liked me back, and I knew this because he was one of the good ones and he told me. He was so open and honest sometimes, but then others he would be soo shy.

We knew that we liked each other, and the class knew that we liked each other.

Some of the notes we used to pass each other (so he not only said it, but I had it written as proof).

“I’m in language and its really boring. I’ve done 8 wordfinds. I can’t stop thinking about u!”

I got jealous at one stage because even though I knew he liked me, I still had doubts when girls in the class started saying ..”ooh he must like so and so” and that so and so wasn’t me.  So I asked him straight out. And instead of answer that absurd question he wrote back “r u tired bcos u’ve been running throu my mind all day”

haha I know, corny as, but hey, when you’re 14… ya know! He then asked why

“coz when u gave ***** ur jumper yesterday **** kept saying th@ it was so sweet and th@ u must really like her”
“No I just felt sorry 4 her. U no hu I like mab”
“mab?”
“mab! D’ya still like KG?”
“may I ask wot th@s got to do wiff it?”
“well no”
“oh ok then does it matta”
“maybe”
“oh i c umm…well”
“I would really like an answer”
“y?!!!!! I would pefer not to think about it”
“Fine den. NE way I don’t LIKE *****”
“ok ok calm down I’m sowwy its just that I’m not sure”

According to my diary that was a Friday. The next school day entry was the Monday that went…

“I spent all weekend worrying for nothing it seems. Today in science Daniel asked me again it I still liked Kieran. I hate when people ask me that sort of stuff. Anyway I said ‘I don’t know ok and I don’t wanna think about it.’ I asked why and he said ‘I think you know why.’ I wrote ‘jealous?’ and do you know what he wrote back? ‘course’ “

The Tuesday….

“….I wrote Daniel a note today and asked if that other chic he liked was at Papakura would he like her? and he said Nope the person I currently like is 10x better…”

Wednesday….

“Today in science* I was borrowing rulers for the test when ###### told me that Daniel knows that I like him but doesn’t believe it. So I got her to ask him why and he said something about me still liking Kieran. So I told him I didn’t even though I still do.  ***** reakons Daniel and I should go out but I know he won’t ask me and I won’t ask him. Totally pathetic but tru.”

Friday….

“Yesterday in Science when I was passing notes to Daniel I asked him how was and I he said “good I fink”. SO I asked him why and he said to ask ^^^^^^ but I said “why don’t you just tell me now? we have options 4th and 5th”
“ok den. Do u fink I don’t like u?”
“I neva sed th@”
“i no but do u think th@?”
“no y would I? don’t u?”
“I neva said dat!”
it was like a total opposite of Wednesday….”

Sunday…

“I was talking to &&&& and ###### yesterday on MSN and they both think that I should go out with Daniel. &&&& said that Daniel doens’t believe I like him because &&&& wanted to go out with me, but I know that it’s because of Kieran. I wish Daniel would just give up on that. I already told him I don’t like him anymore but he just doens’t listen. Anyway &&&& and ###### are both going to try and set me and Daniel up.”

Monday…

“He got so close to asking me out!! I just know it!!!!”

The rest to be continued… like a teenage tv drama

*I am starting to see now why my Science teacher said that I tended to use Science as a social occasion

Wankers Club

In the small little community that I grew up in my parents and their friends formed the “Wankers Club”. King Wanker was ofc Carter. Aptly named because when he is drunk, he is very very drunk and a total and complete Wanker.

This group would get together and drink and smoke and as the night went on they got drunker and more stoned. The would play loud music and laugh. The would go to the local pub (15min drive away) and place bets on the horses. They would get together and play dice. They had a phase of getting together and playing cards. As we got older we were allowed to join in the games, and eventually the drinking, and (in my sisters case) smoking. Well…smoking ciggys…I still can’t bring myself to smoke a joint in front of my mother.

It’s funny coz I hate smoking but weed is sweeter and not as bad…really though I’m just kidding myself.

 

ANYWAY – that’s beside the point.

Slowly I have migrated into the outer circle of the Wankers Club and over the years people have come and gone but the main wankers are still alive and kicking.

If you are having a party you only need to say that the Wankers Club will be there, and it will be a good night.

 

 

Very festive isn’t it??

I like Halloween. I like dressing up and partying.  So for now I have a pumpkin and black coloured theme.

Actually,  I just like the party the family friends throw every year. We go over, the Wankers Club are always there, we drink, we dance and sing along to all our fav old hits and then about 4 or 5 am we look around and suddenly realise that it’s just me and the brothers, and maybe a friend or two still awake. It’s at this time that I tend to slink off home into the night. If I stay long enough, people start waking up and that’s when you KNOW  you sould be gone.

For last year’s one I dressed up as a witch. A pregnant looking witch to be honest. It was before my operation so the dress went over my boobs and then fell straight down. None of this clingly to my hippy’s kinda thing going on it was very long, and heavy and all over the place. But it was the only costume that fit my huge boobies. 

I LOVE any kind of festival season. Christmas is my fave because for me in the space of one week I have Christmas, my brithday and New Years. But mostly I love festive seasons because of the parties 😀

Past lives

I’ve only had a couple of ‘real’ relationships. My first ‘boyfriend’ was at the start of 4th form (year 10, 14years old) in high school. It was the immature, I like you, lets hold hands, but I’m too shy to do anything kind of relationship.
It was before either of us had cell phones (with which I was a late bloomer), he didn’t use MSN and didn’t like talking on the phone so it was very much a school yard relationship that didn’t go any further than holding hands.

My first real boyfriend was Brent. And I was his first real girlfriend. We’d known of each other since we were in Year 9 but it wasn’t until halfway through Year 11 that we spent more time together (having science and human bio class), got to know each other more and develop feelings. We went to the ball with each other that year, but nothing really eventuated. I liked him, he knew that. And I was fairly sure he liked me. But both were scared.
A couple of months later he moved out the bay into the house that my best friend lived in when we were young. We still got to be good friends, and because he was now in my ‘territory’ I took it as my job to look after him here, show him around, get him involved in events. There aren’t many people our age out here in area so I made sure he was at all parties and gatherings.
For New Years Eve his parents threw a party. At this stage, I was used to his younger brother, but not the parents as much. I was invited over with my friend and we hung out in his room and played drinking games. We gave up on those quickly mostly because Brent was a much more accomplished drinker and there was no way we were going to win. Just before midnight we took our friend home and counted down together, alone.
No, we didn’t kiss on midnight. It was more like, half an hour later.

And just like that we were seeing each other. Which was easy in the holidays being right next to each other, but when school came around it was differnt. It wasn’t that he didn’t acknowledge me, it was that he just didn’t go to those extra lengths to see me. He never wanted to hang out during breaks, always wanting to hang out with his other friends, mainly Sarah, and mainly because he had promised her he wouldn’t ditch her if he got a gf. That I can understand, but what started to get to me was the fact that I wasn’t invited to join in.

I ended the relationship 3 or 4 months later when I decided that I was being treated as a friend with benefits and not a girlfriend. Now we are close friends, but he didn’t actually speak to me for 9months after so I guess he took it harder than expected. He did do the manly thing and put his foot forward and apologise. In writing. I have the note still.

My second real relationship is the one that ended earlier this year. 2 and a half years long that one was. And still a bit raw now, as you would expect. I had been friends with him for a year or 2 when i started to develop feelings. Feelings, that, as far as I knew were not returned. He was a year older than me in high school so when he left, we kept in touch but not much more than friends. In August of my last year he came to see my production and asked me out. In a…geeky, kinda cowardly way. I was typing up a journal entry on the computer, when he leaned over and asked me out in that. Anyway the answer was yes, and we started seeing each other. He litterly pulled me out of a funk I had been stuck in for a couple of months. I was so happy. I fell hard, and I fell fast.
In the late days of December we were stocking up on supplies to take camping over new years with some friends of his. I found gingerbear for him (he can’t be without it) and in his excitement he said “Ohmigod I love you!”
My heart jumped. His face registered shock. I walked on through to the check out.

I was scared, and I didn’t want it to be said lightly, but I guess I left it a while. I didn’t tell him I loved him until March. But from that day on I said it lots. I expressed it. I showed him. I worshiped him. I thought we were going to be together forever. We talked about everything, I told him everything. I have carried secrets with me, and he was the only one I ever told. We had silly little in jokes, and sayings.

I missed him when I wasn’t with him. We lived together from that March onwards. He was my best friend. We didn’t fight much and if we did it was because I always had to be right and I am very stubborn. He almost always let me win. He was a keeper of the peace. I was much more fiesty than he was. And it was a brilliant match.

But for some reason I fell out of love. I felt unwanted, unappreciated. He got busy with 2 jobs, and was never home. We were strangers sharing a bed. He never once tried to save our relationship, but he saw it coming.

And still, I still wish he had tried and fought for our relationship more. Because I still now, months later, think we belong together. But, I want him to be happy. And if I can be in his life as a friend, then I feel very privileged.

so, a blog a day?

Maybe 2, or 3?

Doesn’t matter, but I’m bored at work and this gives me something to do. It’s also a place for me to spill out my muddeling emotions and thoughts and brain activity.

Tomorrow I am going to see the Renal Specialist. I am a little worried about it. I’ve never had really great kidneys. They have their own agenda and when I was younger liked to cause a bit of havoc, that was never diagnosed (we still don’t know what the problem is, I was meant to grown out of it by 7). Eventually I learnt to just deal with it, but it’s not that kind of thing you can forget. I didn’t have any friends when I started primary school because I would wet my pants.

Yea.

I was that kid.

Let that kid join in your games, let that kid play, let that kid feel involved. Because I tell you it’s an awful feeling when you are that kid hiding your lollies so no one else will ask for one only to realise it doesn’t matter, they don’t know you even have them. And when you look around you realise that you are the only one on the court at playtime because everyone else is playing on the playground and your invitation got lost in the mail, it sucks.

What I have self-diagnosed myself with (after years and years of medical training *cough*) is something that I don’t know that name for. Basically I have very weak bladder/pelvic muscles. There is also something missing so that when I need to go to the loo, my brain doesn’t receive the signal. I get oh I have to go to the loo now, not oh I better go soon.

During my early teenage years I was terrified about what would happen at high school, but also excited because no one there would know about my past and I wasn’t going to tell anyone. And I didn’t. Not until I told BF.

Over the past year my blood pressure has sky rocketed. The last count was 144/110 which puts me in the high BP should be on medication range. The Dr was worried that my kidneys weren’t functioning properly, so off I head to the specialist at a crazy $330 for the consultation. yikes.

As long as I come out of there with an answer I will be fine.

If I come out of the Drs once again with ‘we don’t know’ I may have to sue someone.

Work Christmas Party (part 1)

Now, in my brief work history I’ve been to a few Work Christmas Parties, and in general, I like them, I have a good time, and I wish the next day that I hadn’t drunk that much.

There was one year I was the only employee to work the day after. It was a Saturday and I managed the shop for the business. Sometimes it was busy, most of the time, it was dead.

We went out that night to the night trots. They had free beer and wine, a meal, and dancing after races had finished. Alcohol for me seems to be something that loosens my tongue. It’s like it’s not me. I talk a lot. I dance (which isn’t all that bad, I do like dancing, and I dance, I don’t stumble on the floor).
I also do dumb things.
I’m not a smoker, but I was outside with Thomas and Peter at BFs 21st. Thomas ran inside and gave Peter his ciggy. Peter was smoking it, but bum puffing, not properly and it was pissing off my drunk mind. So I grabbed it off him and showed him how to smoke properly. For someone who doesn’t smoke it came surprisinly easy. I’m not saying I have NEVER smoked, I tried it once or twice in high school and it just didn’t sit right with me. I still don’t understand why people do that.
Anyway, as I was showing Peter how to do it, BF came out and saw me and got really upset. REALLY upset. He doesn’t drink, so he was totally sober, and it wasn’t the drunk upset which was a bit over the top I think. I don’t know how I managed to do it, but well, I was talking a lot and he calmed down and let me share his bed (how nice of him).

So at this particular Christmas party I was drinking my fair share and dancing, and bugging one of the work guys to dance with me. oooh the shame. I would never had badgered like that under normal circumstances. AND THEN when we were on the way home, and I realised he hadn’t danced I hit him. A friendly hit, but we weren’t friends enough that I should have done that. I’m way to friendly when I’m drunk. The next morning I paid for it. I was so sick. I was so tried. I still had to get up and work. I didn’t actually do much work that day, and the boss didn’t mind. Well neither of them (husband and wife) showed their faces after I went to work.

I have learnt that it’s not a good idea to have your photo taken when you are drunk.

We had our Christmas party for work on Saturday night…

Siblings

I’m going to post a couple of pictures of my brother and sister.

Seriously, the internet is huge, and the chances of someone stumbling across this blog, and then linking us via the pics, is so small, I’m not worried.

anyway, every year we give our grandparents a calender for christmas with family photos and they love it. I’ve started taking the photos as I was putting it together and I wasn’t happy with using snaps from the family album.

This is my brother from last years calender when he was 15

Ethan 06

That’s not makeup btw, just shadows.

My sister, from last year, 17yrs old

Ethan this year, 16

and Abby this year, 18