Horny

Welcome to Horny-a-go-go-land.

Population: Me

Drought in progress, forecast not set to change in the near future.

BYO.

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Dreams

Usually I dream a lot. Lately I haven’t , but the other night I had a strange dream.

Geoff and I were at a farm where it hadn’t rained for a long time. The cows had nothing to drink so we were feeding them teaspoons of condensed milk.  After we had finished and wiped the slobber off our arms, I lay down in the grass between Geoff’s legs. I cuddled him and said “I love you” naturally as anything, and he said it back. It was only after he said it that we both stiffened and held our breath because it wasn’t usual for us to say this. We had been broken up for months. Next minute we are rolling around in the grass, ripping each other’s clothing off, not worrying about the farmers on the hill above us, or the traffic on the road below. We only stopped when we are interrupted by 3 children who live close by asking inane questions about the cows.

I’m not Bipolar – I have hormones

I don’t blame you for thinking I’m crazy. I think I’m crazy. I drive myself insane at night when I am lying in bed wondering how one little body can put up with so many different emotions and feelings.

Yesterday, down and depressed. Today, I can’t stop smiling.

If I were to go to a shrink, I’m sure they would diagnose me Bipolic and send me away with yet more drugs.

I am on so many, I have to have one of those little plastic boxes that have the pills for the separate days, so I know what I’ve taken and what I’ve forgotten. Like I’m senile or something.

So, just to let you know, I don’t need help (yet), I’m not crazy (yet), I’m not Bipolic (again, yet) but I DO have hormones raging all over the friggen place.

I’m not doing so well

I feel as though I am falling apart – but quietly and when I am hidden away in my bedroom.

I feel like I have a limb missing. I don’t know what happened to it, where it went, what it’s doing, what it’s thinking, how it’s feeling. I know that I’ve had this limb as part of my life for 2 and a half years, and I don’t want to lose it – but it’s gone already.

I will never get to hang out with him again, never get to make him dinner, never get to laugh at our in jokes. I don’t have in jokes anymore. I can think about them, but I won’t ever get to say them because no one else will get them.

I think I did the wrong thing, I know I did, but he doesn’t think so. He doesn’t want to try again. All I can think about is that I didn’t try hard enough, that I gave up too easily, but there is no second chance. I don’t get a second chance.

It sucks.

I hate Sundays.

back again

so…it’s been a while.

How ya been? Surviving? Living life? Missing me? Oh yes I know everyone’s missed me!

I have been up and down and all over the place. Since BF and I broke up I have had days where I’m good, I’m doing fine, I feel like I’m moving on ok…and then I’ll talk to him and I become a blubbering mess. Did I make the right decision? Did I really expect him to try that hard? Was I expecting too much?

A week after we broke up I met a guy when I was out with the girls. I didn’t think anything of it, but he seems to like me. And that’s thrown me into a weird spin. I like the attention, but I’m still hurting. On good day’s it’s fun to hang out with him, and he’s made it pretty clear he likes me. He went to so much trouble just to send flowers to me at work on Valentines Day.

I don’t know what I want. I know I defiantly can not go into another relationship, and I’ve told this guy exactly that time and again. But he still doesn’t mind.

At the moment I’m still living with my parents, driving 1hr 15mins to work every day, and then home again. Spending $100 a week on petrol. My sister has turned on uuber bitch mode for some reason. Possibly she doesn’t like having to share the car again, and doesn’t like being demoted from top child in the house back to second, but she’s always had middle child syndrome. I just don’t talk to her, I hope it passes. Though she’s gone to taking the car keys and leaving them in her bag, when I leave at 630am and she sleeps till 10am at least. And you don’t wake my sister unless you want the dragon to breath fire all over your head.

ouch.

I went away on Saturday with 6 fish, came home Sunday with 5.

I am missing a goldfish.

There is a lid on the tank, the cat didn’t get it.

There are no remains in the filter.

It’s just gone…

That makes me sad 😦

Camping with the girls

From the 2nd of Jan till the 6th myself and 3 other girlfriends went camping on Waiheke Island. We took the car over on the car ferry, and spent days lying in the sun, swimming in the insanely sallow beach, eating over priced food, drinking over price alcohol, and being lazy. I slathered myself with sunscreen and hardly ate much at all. Mostly because I didn’t have much money, which was a blessing in disguise.

On the 2nd day T’s parents came around in their boat and took us out for a lunch time cruise. We parked up nice nd deep and jumped off the top. Took the dog in the water and swam with flippers and goggles. A boat pulled up next to us and asked if we had some spare petrol. They had a leak and couldn’t make it back to land. We passed on some petrol and let them have it free despite their offers of payment. Told them to pay it forward. That’s the best thing ever. It makes me feel good when I can help someone out and not accept payment. I like to think of it as karma. I know I get that from mum, she’s a real believer of the karma stuff.

When we got back from Waiheke I was disapointed and pissed off to walk into the apartment and find bf still asleep (at 12.30) and the place in an absolute mess. His words were “I was gunna do it” but that’s his middle name. I was gunna. He never acutally does. Becuase he doesn’t care about things like Valentines Day, he thinks I don’t. He never even asked me, he just said.

I think I may be falling out of love with him. A month ago the thought scared the shit out of me.

But now, I think it’s just the natural progression of things. I work during the day, and he works during the night, and we can go 3 or 4 days without seeing each other despite living in the same house. He doesn’t make an effort either. I have talked to him and asked that he makes an effort, that we act like a young couple, not like an old married couple. But without my nagging it’s not happening. And I don’t want to nag. I know that asking him those things isn’t a total impossible ideal because I know others where it’s not an impossibility. A surprise now and then would be nice. But… I don’t expect mircles.

And I think I’ll be battling the computer forever.

I don’t know what to do.

I wish I was back on holiday

I’ve just spent 5 days in ignorance to what is happening in the world around me and I wish I was back there.

I came home today from camping with my girlfriends (update tomorrow) and went to find out what is happening in the world. I found out that a boy who lived in the small community where I grew up (my parents and brother and sister still live there, and I kinda half do) had a terrible accident yesterday, and last night they turned his life support off. If that wasn’t enough to bring my mood down (everyone knows everyone in that community) my brother and sister expressed happiness of all emotions at the fact that he was dead. I was talking to my brother so he got a piece of my mind, but I just can’t fathom how he could say some of the things he was saying.

My brother and sister lack compassion, and that depresses me. I would have thought their upbringing would mean they would care for their family, friends and community. I will admit that he was an accident waiting to happen, but he did not deserve to die. He was just a typical boy gone slightly off the rails, but with the right people surrounding him he would have carried on just fine and got past it all.

Here is the newspaper article. I’m still so upset, and it’s more so because I cannot get over what my brother and sister said. If I was still on holiday I wouldn’t have known what terrible people they can be.

A teenager was last night fighting for his life after the go-kart he received for Christmas collided with a motorbike just 20 metres from his home.

K C, 15, was airlifted from K******** B** to Auckland City Hospital yesterday evening with serious head injuries, only a few days after celebrating his birthday with family and friends.

His younger brother S, 8, and friend K* F, 15, watched with horror as the crash occurred on K*******-O**** Rd at 3pm.

“He was mucking around and crashed,” K* said last night.

“The motorbike fella flew about eight metres in the air. K flipped off and lay on the ground.

“I was telling him to breathe because he wasn’t. There was a big hole in his leg and crack in his head. He couldn’t open his eyes.”

The former P******** C******* student had been working with his stepfather R W putting up electric security fences.

W, a Meremere speedway racer, bought the go-kart, which can reach speeds of 50km/h, for his stepson to do up.

K decided to fix the car and drive it before his stepfather had the chance to check it.

K* and another friend, J**** M****-B*****, 14, believed the go-kart brakes were faulty.

“He would have tried to stop it but it takes a long time to slow,” J said.

The motorcycle rider was taken to Middlemore Hospital with minor injuries.

Serious Crash Unit said investigations were continuing.

It was just one of a string of serious smashes on another horror day on New Zealand roads.